Friday, March 27, 2015

Miss You

Hubby got a new (and better) job and has spent this week in Dallas at the company headquarters.  He'll be home in about four hours.  Yep, I'm actually counting the hours.

I know it's healthy for relationships to have some time apart.  Makes you appreciate each other, and renews feelings which can often become buried under the stresses of every day life.  That has been the case with us this week.  He told me on Wednesday, "I'm bored.  I guess I miss you."  Coming from him, that's actually high praise.

I had lots of plans to get things sorted and organized, and start working on yet another reincarnation of my craft room.  No distractions I thought, no needing to be quiet during the wee hours when energy and my creative muse often visit.  The best laid plans of mice and men...and me.....

A day and a half before Geoff left, the dog was walking around in a field and stepped on something sharp, slicing open one of the pads on his rear foot.  We took him to the doctor, got antibiotics and it was bandaged.  Then I had another vet trip on my own.  A 95 pound dog, born and bred to pull a heavy sled is not easy to coax into the vet's office.  He pulls lots of things with ease, including me.  But a dog who was advised to stay off his foot as much as possible (he only has three legs so that foot must be used) still should not have derailed all my plans.

I was surprised at myself.  I wandered around, in a semi-frozen state.  Not able to concentrate, not feeling motivated, and often without much energy.  Several times I slept for 12 hours, and still no energy.  So at that point you know you're crossing over into depression territory.  I felt like my rock was gone.  My security, my beacon.  I spent a fair amount of time lecturing myself and reminding myself the Lord is my rock, my security and my beacon.  The logical me could not snap the emotional me out of the funk.  I had no appetite and was literally having to make myself eat.  Eventually I gave up and concentrated on keeping myself and my dog nourished, making sure he got his medicine and I got mine, and letting the world continue to turn without input from me.

I miss you Geoff.  Your short military haircut, your worn and soft leather jacket, your patient and caring blue eyes.  And the way you can hug me and make everything okay again.  Fly safe my love, your wife and dog will waiting at the airport.

Monday, March 23, 2015

A Better Person

Motherhood has made me a better person.  A MUCH better person.  I think this is the case for the majority of people who venture to board the unfamiliar, unpredictable train called Parenthood.  I know not everyone is meant to be a parent.  And if you don't want to be one, you shouldn't become one.  Some are sadly denied the choice.  I have a dear friend who wanted kids more than anything, but it didn't work out for her.  So she immerses herself into being an advocate for children, and also a caring aunt and niece to those in her large family.

Having a child took the focus off me.  It was no longer what was best for me, or what I wanted to do.  It was what was best for my child.  I learned to love in a completely new way.  And many will tell you they had no idea what love really was until they held their child in their arms for the first time.  There is nothing stronger than the mother/child bond.  I'm grateful I boarded that train over 20 years ago.

I see childless people my age, and I marvel at their complete and total preoccupation with themselves.  They pour into their careers, carefully plan their next exotic vacation, and view trying new restaurants in their city to be the height of evolved living.  They pen detailed Yelp reviews on the assortment of sausages available at a nearby eatery.  At the end of the day they are content with their lives because after all, you don't miss what you never had.

Maybe some of these people would be self-centered even with children.  I don't know.  But they do amaze and confuse me.

Friday, March 20, 2015


Have you ever reconnected with a person from your past, only to find they are nothing like the person you remember?  Maybe it isn't a memory issue.  Maybe life just changed the person into someone totally different.  Either way it's extremely disappointing.  A let down.  A major bummer.  You wish you could get a refund on all the time you spent thinking about that person and wondering what became of them.

I had such an experience last summer and I'm still trying to "process" it.  Time has not been kind to this person.  They have become completely self-absorbed and wave a "I'm Bi-Polar" banner with pride.  Hey, congrats on that!

If I could do it over again, I'd leave this skeleton in my closet.  I've learned a lesson for the future, regarding the past.  I'll be letting sleeping skeletons lie because some questions are best left unanswered.