Miss You

Hubby got a new (and better) job and has spent this week in Dallas at the company headquarters.  He'll be home in about four hours.  Yep, I'm actually counting the hours.

I know it's healthy for relationships to have some time apart.  Makes you appreciate each other, and renews feelings which can often become buried under the stresses of every day life.  That has been the case with us this week.  He told me on Wednesday, "I'm bored.  I guess I miss you."  Coming from him, that's actually high praise.

I had lots of plans to get things sorted and organized, and start working on yet another reincarnation of my craft room.  No distractions I thought, no needing to be quiet during the wee hours when energy and my creative muse often visit.  The best laid plans of mice and men...and me.....

A day and a half before Geoff left, the dog was walking around in a field and stepped on something sharp, slicing open one of the pads on his rear foot.  We took him to the doctor, got antibiotics and it was bandaged.  Then I had another vet trip on my own.  A 95 pound dog, born and bred to pull a heavy sled is not easy to coax into the vet's office.  He pulls lots of things with ease, including me.  But a dog who was advised to stay off his foot as much as possible (he only has three legs so that foot must be used) still should not have derailed all my plans.

I was surprised at myself.  I wandered around, in a semi-frozen state.  Not able to concentrate, not feeling motivated, and often without much energy.  Several times I slept for 12 hours, and still no energy.  So at that point you know you're crossing over into depression territory.  I felt like my rock was gone.  My security, my beacon.  I spent a fair amount of time lecturing myself and reminding myself the Lord is my rock, my security and my beacon.  The logical me could not snap the emotional me out of the funk.  I had no appetite and was literally having to make myself eat.  Eventually I gave up and concentrated on keeping myself and my dog nourished, making sure he got his medicine and I got mine, and letting the world continue to turn without input from me.

I miss you Geoff.  Your short military haircut, your worn and soft leather jacket, your patient and caring blue eyes.  And the way you can hug me and make everything okay again.  Fly safe my love, your wife and dog will waiting at the airport.

Motherhood

Okay, just when I thought there were no more things left for me to get maternally emotional about.....I was wrong. My baby boy is in the bed, with a fever. I am doing what I've done since he was born. I am taking care of him. It occurred to me this may be the last time I'm the one providing this type of care. Soon I will pass the torch to Kenna. She is a bright, capable girl and I know she will do a good job. It is just so difficult to let go.

I posted the above on my Facebook status last night.  My future daughter-in-law commented that she will never be as good as his mother, as that is a special skill that is only mine.  I don't know if she was being honest here, or just trying to make me feel better as she knows I'm struggling with all the changes.  Either way, she said the best, most absolute perfect thing and I love her for it!

20 Years Ago Today ~ 9/4/94

20 years ago today the Lord gave me my biggest blessing, and my biggest "job." It was as if He said, "Take this child who I have so clearly set apart for My service, and raise him, train him in the ways that he should go." The early years are still fresh in my memory. The days when Christian school tuition was cobbled together each month, sometimes with the help of family members, sometimes by collecting and returning cans. God was always faithful and made a way for Jacob.

I remain as humbled and in awe today, of the fact God gave such a child to a sinner like me, as I was when a five year old Jacob was approaching strangers and asking, "Do you know about Jesus?" I wish there had been a support group, Mothers of Future Pastors, because it's a daunting job and one I take very seriously. Too seriously I'm sure some would say.

I will be forever grateful that God brought Geoff into our lives. A godly man who has taught Jacob what it means to be a godly man. A man who walks the walk, each and every day.

Happy Birthday Cobby ~ thank you for your patience, your humor, and most of all, for your love.

KennaBeans * A Fresh New Blog

My future daughter-in-law has recently begun to blog.  She has some amazing things to say.  And I'm not just braggin' on her because I adore her.  Check her out, you will see what I mean when I say A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

http://kennabeans.weebly.com/

And, to quote Kenna, "Until next time, stay cool beans."

I'm Stingy

Yes, I'm stingy.  I see it more and more as the days go by.  I am very aware that my resources are limited, and it's important that I not waste them.  By resources I mean time, emotions, effort, and vulnerability.  I want to share the best of myself with people who truly appreciate me.  People who feel I add something of value to their lives.

And....I hate being ignored.  I give 110% in my relationships, and don't expect the other person to mirror that, but they should come close the majority of the time.  If they are too preoccupied to make me a priority, that's fine.  To borrow part of the title of a popular book, maybe they're just not that into me.  I'm not going to make a voodoo doll in their likeness and stick pins it.  I'll just stop investing my resources in that person.  To handle things any differently would require me to be fake, and that is something I cannot and will not do.

I think it's healthy to take a periodic inventory of the relationships in our lives.  If you're anything like me, you don't have to make time for this inventory because you have your own built-in warning system.  A system that alerts you when things are one-sided.  The bottom line is to value yourself, value your emotions, and value your time.  It's okay to be stingy.  Trust me on this one.

He Gets It

I recently wrote a post called "One Foot Out the Door" concerning my son and his forgetfulness of "the rules."  He doesn't read my blog (big surprise there....lol) so today's phone call from him was completely innocent and not meant to score brownie points:

Him:  I'm just calling to let you know I have one more call to do (he works in merchandising) and then I'm going to see Pastor Chris, to fix his computer at 5:30.

Me:  Okay, thank you for letting me know.

Him:  I just wanted to you know because I didn't want you to plan something special for dinner and then I didn't show up.

Me:  Is Pastor Chris going to feed you dinner?

Him:  I don't know, but if he doesn't, I'll feed myself when I get home.

Me:  Okay, thank you - love you.

Him:  I don't want you to think that I take anything for granted because I'm not home.  A lot of parents get upset if their kids are never home.

Me:  I understand you never being home.  You're doing what you're supposed to be doing.  You know you have a bed and food and a place to rest and relax, when you need it.  That's our job as parents and as long as you are considerate, as you have been, we're good.

Him:  Thank you Mom, I appreciate that.

He does get it.  And he's a considerate, caring guy the majority of the time.  Fills my mother's heart with pride.

Two of My Most Favorite People

My son Jacob and his beautiful bride-to-be, McKenna.  Just look at that gorgeous ring too!

One Foot Out the Door

My son will be 20 in three weeks.  He's cooked.  He's ready to fly the coop.  And surprisingly enough, I'm ready for him to be on his own.  This is an extremely rational and psychologically healthy stand for a mom like me to take.  A mom who cried every first day of school up until his last year of high school.

He will be married in 11 months.  Yes, he's young and she is even younger.  They'll be okay though, because they both put God #1 in any situation, and especially in a marriage.  She has more maturity and grace than women twice her age.  And strength born from suffering things no young girl should have to endure.  It's obvious that God has put them together.  It won't be easy, but they will make it work.  They have many good people in their lives to help them through the rough spots, after marriage loses its new car smell.

We just have to survive these next 11 months with a young adult who seems to have forgotten the rules.  Rules like "because I said so" and "when you are living under my roof you live under my rules."  Mom and Dad may have to offer up a little continuing education on the finer points of parent/kid relations.  And if we do, that's fine.  We haven't come this far to wimp out now.

Another C Word

Colonoscopy.  My husband is having one tomorrow morning.  This will be his second time at bat.  Every five years they say.  I really do not think I could do it.  Not the procedure - the preparation.  I get extremely nasty when my blood sugar drops.  After even just a few hours of clear liquids I'd be up in a tower with hubby's gun.

Then there is the 800 gallons of "stuff" you have to drink.  "Stuff" which cleans you out.  He follows the instructions and always, and I mean always, achieves the desired result.  I just know if I tried it, they would get halfway through the test and find some corn from 1996 and I'd be rescheduled to do the whole thing over again.  

Plus, I'm just not compliant.  I'm the one who eats a peanut butter sandwich and drinks a can of diet Coke four hours before general anesthesia.  Why?  Because I can.

Girls vs. Boys

I only have one child (that I know of).  Years before I got pregnant I began to very respectfully ask God to bless me with boy children.  I knew in my heart boys would be best for everyone concerned.  I found out I was having a boy at the actual moment I gave birth to a boy.  My son was shy and managed to conceal his privates during two ultrasounds.

I still believe I was a better boy mom than I would have been a girl mom.  But every once in a while, boy oh boy (mega pun intended) do I wish I had a girl to talk to.  A girl would understand my emotions.  A girl wouldn't stare at me with absolutely no clue what to say.  A girl would get me.

Isn't She Lovely?

Jacob and his beautiful girl at her senior prom last weekend.  Over three years now and they are still going strong.  Won't be long till she has a ring on her hand and I'm fine with that.

My baby's heart was broken many times before he met his princess.  Usually girls would get bored with how he treated his parents with respect, had no interest in drugs or alcohol, and believed sex should be saved till the wedding night.  Not exactly a bad boy huh?

Well, one of the girls he dated was a wild child.  And since I myself started my adulthood as a wild child I never judged her, but I doubted she was the one God had chosen for this future Pastor.  Their relationship quickly fizzled and they went their separate ways.  She and her current boyfriend just had a baby a few months ago.  They are now engaged.  Meanwhile Jacob is finishing up his freshman year of college.

We live in a big "small" town.  The baby daddy works at a nearby restaurant where I am a frequent customer.  He is a perfectly lovely young man and we chat.  Jacob has sworn me to secrecy and I am forbidden to tell the young man that I am Jacob's mother.  I understand completely because in this big "small" town a familiar face is never far away.  But every time I see that young man I thank the Lord for not making me a grandmother yet.

Conversations With the Fam

My dear son overslept yesterday morning. 

Me:  So that's two mornings in a row you've overslept.  What happened?

Son:  I slept through my alarm.

Me:  You need a back-up alarm.  Do you have one?

Son:  Yes (pointing toward his bookshelf).

Me:  And... you already feel bad enough without me harping on it.

Son:  Yep.

*****

Walked into hubby's room.  Yes, we have separate bedrooms.  That's one of the reasons why we also have such a good and happy marriage.  I use the word "pop" instead of fart.  I was raised that way so I figure why stop now.

Me:  Hi.  (Sniff, sniff, sniff).  It smells like someone popped in here.

Hubby:  Someone did.  Several times.

Me:  Nice seeing you (quick exit).

Invitation to the Prom

I did not know when a guy asked a girl to the prom, the custom was to make it big, and unusual!  Jacob made this sign, and if you look closely you can see a little bouquet of flowers in Kenna's hand.  He asked her at church.  Of course she said "yes."  They are so sweet together.  Each feeling blessed to have the love of the other one.

College Time

My offspring-that-hatched is in the final stretch of his senior year in high school.  His college of choice is Multnomah University, located just across the river in Portland, Oregon.

"Multnomah University's mission is to equip Christian students through higher education to become biblically competent, academically proficient, spiritually formed, and culturally engaged servant leaders, shaped to be a transforming force in the church, community, and world."

 

 

Their mission statement is quite impressive.  He wants to become a Pastor.

 

So now begins a virtual mountain of paperwork to see what grants, loans or scholarships he is qualified for.  I'm so proud of my baby boy :).

Halloween & Mental Health Day

Halloween was....well, not even like Halloween.  Oh, except for the amount of candy this family has consumed in the past few weeks.  My "baby" is pictured above.  Trick or treating was a long time ago.  But oh, the memories I have.  I wish I had pictures to go along with my memories.

Hubby is taking our travel trailer to the dealership tomorrow.  Bye-bye trailer.  Hello new (to us) used 5th wheel.  He said, "I wish Jacob didn't have school.  I'd like for him to go with me."  I told him to ask Jacob if he wanted to skip school and have a "mental health day with Dad."  Years ago, when I was a single Mom, Jacob had many mental health days.  This seemed a more tactful way to phrase it.  Rather than "hey, stay home and we'll sleep in and then we'll goof off."  The problem was Jacob would return to school the next day and announce to anyone who would listen that he hadn't been ill, he had simply been taking a mental health day.

Hubby and I guessed he might say no, and sure enough, he did.  Too many things to do at school, didn't want to get behind in math, has to turn in his cap and gown order, etc., etc.  What a kid you are Jacob.  You amaze me every single day.

Sons

My son turns 18 next Tuesday.  I think both of us are in a bit of a daze with the thought of this important birthday.  I know he is doing a bit of testing, thinking perhaps he can take a different tone with me now.  He is learning he cannot.

Today he asked me why I seemed down.  And why was I acting like I thought no one liked me, and saying things like, "Don't put me in a home."  That statement is simply my worrying early to avoid the rush.  I told him he was grown up now, and I didn't think he needed me.  Yes I know, this is all my own psychosis.  He said I was wrong, and that he did need me.  Should have left it at that, but I asked him for three reasons why I was needed.

I know better than to ask that kind of question of someone with testicles.  He immediately got the deer in the headlights look and blurted out: Well, didn't you tell me you pay the mortgage every month?  I had indeed told him that several months ago.  I did it because he wasn't real happy when asked to open up little bags with knobs and screws inside them.  I told him, "These knobs pay the house payment" and he was amazed to hear that.  He's only a kid, and I just smiled after his reason #1.

Reason #2 was the fact that I raised him, so he must need me.  And that if I hadn't raised him he'd probably be really screwed up by now.  I thought to myself: Given the fact I did raise you, it's a wonder you aren't really screwed up by now.

Reason #3?  He knocked it out of the park.  He said I did many nice things for Kenna (his girlfriend) as well as other people, and that I was a very self-less person in his opinion.

I thanked him for his reasons, of course.  Then I went to my room and had a good cry.....

It's a Rocky Road

I was enjoying some Rocky Road ice cream, and every time I eat this brand and type of ice cream, I am reminded of a story from my childhood.  My father loved 31 Flavors Rocky Road.  I mean LOVED it.  He was a man of considerable education (possessing a doctor of dental surgery degree).  He decided he would go on an ice cream diet to get rid of the stubborn 20 pounds around his middle.  He vowed to eat ONLY Rocky Road and purchased an enormous tub of the stuff.  I don't know how many gallons he bought, but he came home with one of the large containers you see at the store.  The same container the employees scoop from.  At least 15 gallons worth, and probably more.

The ice cream was placed in the basement freezer.  My sister and I would sneak down frequently, armed with tablespoons.  I don't recall how many days his "diet" lasted.  I know it wasn't more than two or three.  But the memory will stay with me forever.

Downtown and a Tattoo

My son and I went to downtown Vancouver tonight, to a place called Hopeless Tattoo.  Yeah, I know.  Hopeless Tattoo.  It has been Jacob's wish for several years to have a tattoo done.  It's a cross, a very pretty one.  And there are some words too.  He will be 18 on September 4th.  We went to meet with the artist and get all the details.  Turns out the artist, Drew, was off tonight.  Jacob will go back on Friday to meet with him and put down the $60.00 deposit needed to make the appointment.

The tattoo will be my birthday present to him.  My husband does not approve, but has allowed me to to do this.  My late mother didn't approve either.  It's been the subject of much debate.  As for me, I am happy to be a small part of this tattoo.  An outward sign of Jacob's faith and determination to live a life pleasing to God.

As we walked along the sidewalk we came upon this wonderful piece of chalk art.  Good advice that bears repeating.

A Christmas Memory ~ 2007

What a time for my camera to go on the fritz. I shall have to use my superior literary skills *ha* to compensate. Christmas 2007 we had some extra money. I wanted to make it a very special Christmas for my husband. Geoff was the oldest of five kids and his family didn't have a lot of money. At the age of nine he was cooking dinner and helping to care for his siblings. I know he went to bed hungry many times.

I was raised at the other end of the spectrum. My father was a dentist in Beverly Hills. But both he and my mother struggled and worked for everything they had. They raised my sister and I to do the same. Even though Geoff and I had completely different childhoods monetarily, we were both taught that the most important things in life are not things at all. We are able to live quite happily without new cars or fancy vacations, or clothes bought at the mall. Not to say that my chocolate and scrapbooking budgets are not larger than they should be, but I digress big time.

The photo you see is of the fireplace in our family room. The Christmas tree was at the other side of the room. All of the gifts in front of the fireplace were for Geoff. I searched my brain, and the internet, to find things that he never got as a child. Christmas 2007 he received two Coast Guard ship model kits, a remote control helicopter, lots of warm clothes, an eight pound box of nuts and candy from Sees, other gourmet type foods, slippers from LL Bean, and a bunch of other things I cannot remember.

In the house that morning with Geoff and I were Sara (his daughter) and Jacob (my son) and of course, Jessie and Juneau. Jacob (at the time age 13) wrote his own lyrics and sung them to the tune of Silent Night. His song was about how much he loved Geoff and how Geoff deserved all these gifts. Jacob insisted on hiding behind the Christmas tree and began to sing as Sara and I led a blindfolded Geoff into the room.

I know it sounds corny, but the look on my husband's face was the best gift of all. Christmas 2007 is a day I will never forget.

Mom Taxi and Parental Payback

I had Mom Taxi duty today. Something that rarely happens now that Jacob has his own license. First picked him up at his friend's house (he spent the night), then we drove to his girlfriend Kenna's house to get her, then we drove to my Baby Daddy's house. The BD was at work, and his wife is in the hospital. They needed Jacob (and Kenna) to let their four dogs out. I could have gone inside and raided the fridge, but their dogs are of the small, hyper and yappy variety. Staying in the car in the 30 degree weather and cutting out decals was a much better choice for me. After the dog duty was complete, I drove home and shortly thereafter Jacob and Kenna departed for the movies. Told you that story to tell you this one:

I parked in Kenna's driveway and waited as Jacob went to the door. He disappeared inside the house and was gone for a very long time. I mean, a long time. So long I turned off the engine. Kenna's father is extremely protective and I had visions of him and Jacob "discussing" whether Kenna could leave with him/us at all. I got tired of waiting and wondering, and honked the horn. Viola, out they came!

Kenna gets in the front seat but doesn't say one word to me. Jacob gets in the back and says hello. No explanation, no apology for the long wait. Hey, I gave them a chance. Then I went into full Mom Mode and Jacob said she wasn't ready on time and he was "already mad at her for that." No big deal and it wouldn't have bothered me had I not had a long history with my son and his incredible ability to keep me waiting. It was a silent ride to the BD's house and home from there.

We walked in the front door and Jacob remarked to Kenna, "I still can't believe your Dad is letting me take you to a movie." I said, "That's cause he doesn't know you're the tongue bandit." Jacob turned and began to walk down the hall, muttering "I did not just hear that." Hmmm, trying to be considerate, I repeated it, louder. Kenna was giggling as she followed him down the hall.

Parental payback....it's good stuff!