A Better Person

Motherhood has made me a better person.  A MUCH better person.  I think this is the case for the majority of people who venture to board the unfamiliar, unpredictable train called Parenthood.  I know not everyone is meant to be a parent.  And if you don't want to be one, you shouldn't become one.  Some are sadly denied the choice.  I have a dear friend who wanted kids more than anything, but it didn't work out for her.  So she immerses herself into being an advocate for children, and also a caring aunt and niece to those in her large family.

Having a child took the focus off me.  It was no longer what was best for me, or what I wanted to do.  It was what was best for my child.  I learned to love in a completely new way.  And many will tell you they had no idea what love really was until they held their child in their arms for the first time.  There is nothing stronger than the mother/child bond.  I'm grateful I boarded that train over 20 years ago.

I see childless people my age, and I marvel at their complete and total preoccupation with themselves.  They pour into their careers, carefully plan their next exotic vacation, and view trying new restaurants in their city to be the height of evolved living.  They pen detailed Yelp reviews on the assortment of sausages available at a nearby eatery.  At the end of the day they are content with their lives because after all, you don't miss what you never had.

Maybe some of these people would be self-centered even with children.  I don't know.  But they do amaze and confuse me.

Reconnections

Have you ever reconnected with a person from your past, only to find they are nothing like the person you remember?  Maybe it isn't a memory issue.  Maybe life just changed the person into someone totally different.  Either way it's extremely disappointing.  A let down.  A major bummer.  You wish you could get a refund on all the time you spent thinking about that person and wondering what became of them.

I had such an experience last summer and I'm still trying to "process" it.  Time has not been kind to this person.  They have become completely self-absorbed and wave a "I'm Bi-Polar" banner with pride.  Hey, congrats on that!

If I could do it over again, I'd leave this skeleton in my closet.  I've learned a lesson for the future, regarding the past.  I'll be letting sleeping skeletons lie because some questions are best left unanswered.

Bruce Jenner

I don't know about you, but I am about sick of hearing about Bruce Jenner.  And even sicker of seeing his/her face.  I try to be tolerant and remember it's not my job to judge.  And I know, it's not.  Yet I cannot help the fact my stomach just turns whenever I see hear about him.  Gross.

I Love My Simple Life

Friday night grocery shopping with the hubby.  A nice package of meaty dog bones crossed the scanner and the clerk said, 'That's going to make some puppy very happy."  I smiled and as the ice cream made it's way across the scanner I said, "the ice cream's for the dog too!"  The clerk looked amused and just a bit shocked.  As he scanned the two pound container of strawberries he looked at my husband and said, "I hope he at least gets some of the berries."  I told him yes, he did, and he and the dog shared the ice cream in bed at night.

Motherhood

Okay, just when I thought there were no more things left for me to get maternally emotional about.....I was wrong. My baby boy is in the bed, with a fever. I am doing what I've done since he was born. I am taking care of him. It occurred to me this may be the last time I'm the one providing this type of care. Soon I will pass the torch to Kenna. She is a bright, capable girl and I know she will do a good job. It is just so difficult to let go.

I posted the above on my Facebook status last night.  My future daughter-in-law commented that she will never be as good as his mother, as that is a special skill that is only mine.  I don't know if she was being honest here, or just trying to make me feel better as she knows I'm struggling with all the changes.  Either way, she said the best, most absolute perfect thing and I love her for it!

Wine

I don't "get" the whole wine "thing."  It's grapes, mashed up, mixed with other grapes, stored in various wood barrels until it ferments.  People devote their lives (well, at least their careers) to mashed up and fermented grapes.

My first exposure to wine came when I reached drinking age.  I would order white wine and got whatever that particular establishment served as their house wine.  I never really liked the taste and quite often would order half wine and half 7-Up.  Then, after the first few sips I would begin to feel tipsy.  A light weight.  A cheap date.  Definitely.  Maybe if I could hold my liquor better, I might have enjoyed it more.  But then there's the issue of the taste.

Perhaps a "fine" wine would be pleasing to my palate.  Perhaps I've cheated myself all these years, by never trying anything but cheap stuff.  That opens up a fresh can of worms though, because spending a lot of money on something you drink does not mesh with my logical side.  How much is a decent bottle of wine, served at home?  I'm going to guess and say $50.00.  Even if I acquired a taste for the better class of wine, I can think of so many more practical things to do with $50.00.  Even if  you drop the wine price to $25.00, that money could buy some cool craft supplies, plants for the yard or be put toward something for the house or a vacation.

Why do I want to spend good money on something that slides down my throat, only to make me want to go to sleep 30 minutes later.  Lastly, more often than not, alcohol does not bring out the best in people.  I was married to an alcoholic and the personality change was stunning.  I don't want to be around someone who has one too many and undergoes even the smallest of personality changes.  Like, they become argumentative, loud, demanding, or unreasonable.  Then there are the physical symptoms.  Drink too much and then throw it all up.  Charming.

I don't enjoy spending time with people who are under the influence.  Even if it's the happy, boisterous kind of under the influence, I think it's obnoxious.  And, inevitably, things are said and done which should not be said or done.

Let me close by saying I'm quite aware there are MANY people who can enjoy a glass or two of wine, either with a meal or alone, and not morph into some kind of monster.  And what people choose to spend their money on is their business.  For me, I don't see the value in fine wine.  I will occasionally spend the afternoon cooking up an authentic Italian meal where a touch of the grape sounds extremely appealing.  For those meals I'll toddle on over to the grocery store and pick up a bottle of sparkling grape cider.  $3.79 and I'm golden.

Candy Corn

Chocolate Rice Krispie treats with candy corn.  Do you like candy corn?

Sleeping Together Is Not Quality Time

I  read a blog post written by a man whose girlfriend hogs the covers, and the entire bed.  So not only does he wake up shivering, he wakes up shivering clinging to the side of the bed.  Yet he, like most people, finds these things FAR preferable to sleeping without his loved one.  He says if you're going to sleep apart, why even get married.  Really?  Really?

My husband and I have known each other 16 years.  We celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary last week.  For the past three years we have slept in separate rooms.  Prior to going to separate rooms, we had two beds in the same room for several years.  The current arrangement allows us each to achieve the goal of quiet, restful, uninterrupted sleep.  Sleeping, or rather, not sleeping together, is NOT quality time.

There are lots of things one person can do to keep another from resting comfortably.  Snoring, the twitching of arms and legs, repositioning themselves with all the coordination of Shamu performing for a crowd. and the passing of gas all rank right up there.  Even with a king size bed, I felt I was sleeping in a war zone.  My dear husband can fall into a deep sleep in under three minutes.  He can also go from that same deep sleep to wide awake and completely alert in 45 seconds.  He can fall asleep anywhere, and if you wake him, he falls BACK to sleep in about a minute.  He's not a sleep cuddler.  He says having someone sleeping against him makes him too hot.

I am the total opposite.  It takes me quite a while to fall asleep, and I need absolute quiet to get there.  Even the sound of a clock ticking is enough to keep me up.  Most nights I ended up on the lumpy couch, seething with resentment, while he laid in our bed, snoring, twitching, flailing and farting.  One of us awoke refreshed in the morning.  And it wasn't me.  According to a counselor I spoke with, this problem is extremely common.  And 95% of the time, it's the woman who ends up being displaced.  I'm all about the man being the head of the household.  But when it comes to sleep, I'll fight to get what I feel is rightfully mine.

Our minds and our bodies cannot function on no sleep, or terribly interrupted sleep.  I spent my days in a sleep-deprived state.  That made me not a lot of fun to live with, but can you blame me?  The turning point came when I found myself standing at the side of the bed, holding the covers up with one hand while the other hand clutched a can of Lysol.  I was seconds away from blasting him when I realized it's not his fault, and he isn't doing it on purpose.  AND, he's a perfectly charming and well mannered gentleman when he's awake.  Shortly after that we went to separate bedrooms.

Our sex life has not suffered, although I do sometimes feel like a one night stand when he puts his pants on and leaves the room.  Both of us sleep well, without interruption from our loved one, and the important time we spend together, i.e., time when we are conscious, is improved because we are both well rested.

But hey, if you want to measure the success of your relationship by the room you sleep in, knock yourself out.  I'm not the one clinging to six inches of the bed, shivering in the winter.

Games Dogs Play

Our Malamute is hands down the most intelligent dog my husband and I have ever had.  He is scary smart.  The kind of dog who we can no longer say the word "car" to.  We began to spell it.  Now he's wise to that.  We are going to use "vehicle" in the future.  I'm sure it won't be long before we have to spell that one too.

He enjoys lounging in the front yard during the wee hours of the morning.  We live at the end of a cul-de-sac and the neighbors actually appreciate having him out there, on guard.  This morning, about 1:00 am I heard him get up from the hall and move to the living room.  I walked out to find him lying by the couch, about 10 feet from the door.  I walked to the door and asked if he wanted the front yard.  Blank stare.  Asked him again.  No reaction.  So I walked back to my room and closed my door.

Not 30 seconds later I heard a loud yip.  Went back to the living room and there he was, standing by the front door, tail wagging.  He does this allllll the time!  And I wonder if he laughs to himself and thinks "stupid human."  It's like it has to be his idea or he doesn't want to do it. 

20 Years Ago Today ~ 9/4/94

20 years ago today the Lord gave me my biggest blessing, and my biggest "job." It was as if He said, "Take this child who I have so clearly set apart for My service, and raise him, train him in the ways that he should go." The early years are still fresh in my memory. The days when Christian school tuition was cobbled together each month, sometimes with the help of family members, sometimes by collecting and returning cans. God was always faithful and made a way for Jacob.

I remain as humbled and in awe today, of the fact God gave such a child to a sinner like me, as I was when a five year old Jacob was approaching strangers and asking, "Do you know about Jesus?" I wish there had been a support group, Mothers of Future Pastors, because it's a daunting job and one I take very seriously. Too seriously I'm sure some would say.

I will be forever grateful that God brought Geoff into our lives. A godly man who has taught Jacob what it means to be a godly man. A man who walks the walk, each and every day.

Happy Birthday Cobby ~ thank you for your patience, your humor, and most of all, for your love.